How to make a Sarcastic Customer Dissatisfaction Graph while watching a contextually appropriate episode of Murder She Wrote

Firstly I just want to say that not every blog will be about Murder She Wrote (although if there were enough requests I would happily write one that’s ONLY about MSW) but when I got home from my freaking terrible day and turned on the telly and saw the name of tonight’s episode, “Murder takes the bus” I couldn't believe it because my bad day was all about the bus. Then the opening credits started to roll and I learned that the episode guest starred Linda “The Exorcist” Blair, and I couldn't believe it because at one point today I was so angry my head rotated 360 degrees atop my shoulders, and then the music started which was an almost note-for-note rip off (homage?) of Bernard Herrman’s legendary eerie score for Hitchock’s masterpiece Psycho, and I couldn't believe it because today I almost became a bit of a psycho. So I really had no choice but to make JB Fletcher my muse and inspiration once again. At the moment she’s rifling through the suitcase of the recently deceased man – killed by a screwdriver to the back of the neck while sitting alone on the broken down bus, if you’re interested – while the motley crew of bus passengers are sheltering from the storm in an isolated road side diner. Also, Linda "Exorcist" Blair is now a grown up and seemingly heavily preggers, I’m terrified about what’s going to come out of her.

So, onto the graph. Say you have beef with a certain company, in my instance Arriva buses, and a complaint email doesn't quite seem like enough? Enter the Sarcastic Customer Dissatisfaction Graph. A picture really does say more than a thousand words. It’s pretty easy because there’s not too much science or maths behind it.

All you need to do is come up with different categories pertaining to customer service experiences. Weight each segment proportionally relating to how important it is to your satisfaction with the company. So for instance, while I was more angry  the time I went to the man in the office at the bus station for help because my M-ticket (which is a bus ticket downloaded to your phone and can be bought to last a day, a week, or a month) had disappeared for no reason and I needed to get home and he a) didn’t help me, b) answered his mobile while I was talking to him and c) shouted at me, that segment is smaller than the segment for the M-ticket’s disappearance because that was a lot more important to my daily ambition of not spending all my mother-lovin’ time either on buses, thinking about buses, paying for buses, or thinking I’m going to die on buses when a mad man plants a bomb on it that will explode if they bus driver goes under 80 mph.

Secondly, if some of your experiences are good fill those segments in green, if they are bad fill them in red. Label segments clearly. Lastly, sum up the whole graph effectively by making it either into a big smiley face if it was all really great and you loved it (unlikely to happen with a SCDG) or a big sad face if it was all terrible and you’re considering never going anywhere again because it’s just too difficult.

As a finishing touch, email it to the company in question and strongly imply you work for Father Christmas and that you KNOW they have not been good this year and their likelihood of getting presents is pretty low. (You might have to attach a picture of yourself dressed as an elf)

  Footnote: The bus driver was the murderer. He was avenging his daughter’s death from 15 years ago. Also while Jessica was out of town she missed the drawing of a prize raffle in which she would have won a flat screen TV but she wasn't there so they gave it to someone else. Those sound like dodgy raffle rules to me, she should send them a Sarcastic Customer Dissatisfaction Graph.

Footnote 2: Yes I should learn to drive. If anyone wants to send me £3000 so I can pay for lessons, buy a car, tax and insure that car, then fill it with at least one tank of petrol then please make cheques out to Ms Birdie McElf and send them to:
Number 1, Candy Cane Road,
Stripy Red Woolly Stocking Shire,
The North Pole.
99X MA5